I’m a Contradiction and I Love It

Well, sometimes.

Most of my mental struggles in life come from trying to reconcile various contradictions within and around me. When I can’t figure it out, I feel ashamed. That is a rough place to be.

Some examples:

I love to move my body doing things like dance, hike, swim, and yoga and I love to binge watch Netflix in bed for a good 12 hours.

I can feel angry, sad, frustrated, and relieved all at the same time.

I love making healthy meals from organic, whole foods and I love to eat a Whataburger meal with a pint of ice cream for desert.

I can be the sweetest, most thoughtful person and I can be selfish.

That person who said they loved me also hurt me deeply. And vice versa.

You get the idea.

So there are times in my life when something comes along at just the right moment and in the perfectly right way to where there’s no room for me to deny it or ignore it. These moments are always followed by a major realization and a perspective shift that improves my well-being dramatically.

Acceptance is one of those ideas for me right now though it’s been in my awareness for almost 10 years. Not only self-acceptance, but acceptance of my reality in any given moment and acceptance of others as they are.

In the past, I equated acceptance with giving up or not caring or whatever. But now I see the nuance, the subtlety. I can accept myself for who I am, what I am, where I am, when I am, how I am, and why I am yet still allow room for growth and change. I can accept my past, the people in or not in my life, the present, how things have and are playing out around me yet still allow room for shifts and dreams.

This may sound contradictory. It is. And that’s okay.

I’m reading a book by a poet philosopher biologist and it’s so fascinating. The author tipped the scales for me to fully accept that existence is a contradiction and therefore so am I. In any given moment we are both living/growing and dying/decaying. From a cellular level to a spiritual level. Yep. I like it.

There’s no escaping this contradiction of existing if you are a life form in this biosphere. You live. You die. All the time and in various ways. I’m a living dying contradiction and I don’t have to reconcile anything. I can be all the things I want or don’t want and it’s okay. Accepting myself, others, and life ‘as is’ allows me to feel more relaxed which in turn allows for shifts to happen.

Funny thing that acceptance.

Autonomy, Wisdom, Power & Laws

July 26, 2022

Jupiter woke me this morning. So I got up and went outside at 430am to see what was up. I observed Jupiter in Pisces while knowing Neptune shares that place as well and saw three shooting stars between Aries and Pisces. Under all this, I felt the Moon in Gemini very strongly in my meditation.

What This Means For You

Feelings of confusion or self-doubt can come forth right now. There may even be a tug-of-war in the mind as you feel like you know what you want to be or need on one hand yet find all the reasons it won’t or can’t work on the other. Imposter syndrome, guilt, and shame can rear up too as feelings of inadequacy struggle against your dreams and inherent knowings.

All of these things can cause great mental anguish if you forget yourself even for a moment. And if you do, it’s okay. The feelings will change. Stay focused on the quiet wisdom expanding and calling from the depths of your creative center. Remind yourself of your life experiences because they build up your inner library of knowledge. Even the devastating painful parts of your life are welcome in this collection of information.

Instead of trying to let go or move on from the pain, feel it intensely. Invite it out to play and dream with you. Help your sorrow find a useful focal point to disperse it’s hard gained wisdom in a way that helps you see its value in your life and in your world.

How I’m Feeling It

I see the guilt many humans feel about the state of our world today. The discomfort we have while trying to maneuver all the human-made laws and attempts to control life. The struggles we each feel as we try to grow and thrive within outdated ideas and institutions of power. The shame that gnaws at us with the realization we gave away our own power to others who we believed knew better for us than the inherent voice of natural law.

It’s important we honestly acknowledge who and what we gave our power away to and start to reclaim it. From the medical system, religion, and schools to the ideas of biological families, careers, and gender roles (among many many other human-made laws of what life is supposed to look like), we’ve all given away a part of our greatness and autonomy to something unnatural and imposed. There are some small grains of truth within these various systems but they are not all-knowing or flawless by any measure. We need to sift out the seeds of nourishment and be rid of the hulls of falsehood.

Now is the time for us to look toward our inherent wisdom. The connection we have to the earth and many other heavenly bodies beyond plays out within our cells. We hold all the information and guidance we need within our physical being. Our lives don’t need any hand holding from external ideas of power. Our pain speaks of the places we fight against this truth. Our pain shows us a window into the depths of what we try to ignore. Our pain is key in helping us break out of our blind adherence. Our pain helps us find compassion for ourselves and other living beings as we navigate the perilous path toward greater freedom and unity within and with life itself.