Dancing & Deliberating to Define My Own Way of Living

Daily dance December is on! I actually decided to go with an app so I have some structure to my 30 day dance challenge. I could simply turn on some music and dance around but, as the NaNoWriMo challenge showed me, I do best with some external structure and enjoy the accountability.

I know this app will help support my goal in a focused well-rounded way. So instead of me just twirling and jumping around the house randomly, I get to build fitness: balance, strength, endurance, flexibility, coordination, speed, reaction time, power, and agility.

There is a self-reflection component too, which I love. The first question she asked is “Is this as good as it gets?” which came from her own experience of having Bulimia for 16 years. One day she was lying on the floor in her bathroom after throwing up blood and that question popped into her head. Ten years later she has this app and speaks at conferences and no longer suffers with an eating disorder.

Her story is heart-breaking, moving, and inspiring!

Deliberating with Myself

I considered this question for myself and my own life as it is now. At the same time I made a gratitude list to be sure I didn’t start drowning in a hole of life-is-hard-and-dark-and-crappy. Well, because I can do that sometimes.

So as a part of the reflection I wrote a list of things in my life that I feel could be better. Health – specifically increasing endurance and reducing joint pain, improving my patience, building more friendships with people IRL as in where I live now, and a few other things but you get the idea. If you do this reflection exercise too, don’t leave out the gratitude part!!

It’s easy to get overwhelmed with all the stuff we want to improve so it’s super important to look at all the things that are good or working properly. For me, a few of those things are my relationship with Mark and our best girl Tulsi, our home and thriving garden, my overall health – as in my body does it’s job well and I feel pretty good most days, the amazing super comfortable bed we have, my ability to write and create things, all the handy knowledge I have for fixing things. One I got going on the gratitude list it easily grew longer than the improvement list. Yay!

Defining My Own Way

Learning stuff about myself has proven to be one of the best uses of my time. I’ve always been more introspective even as a kid. While growing I gravitated toward things like psychology, philosophy, creative expression, and various wisdom lineages that stress the importance of understanding yourself.

The more I understand my strengths, challenges, likes, dislikes, how I learn, how I best interact with others, etc… the more able I am to live life of my own regardless of what others or the world say I should do/be. I can make my own definitions of happiness, success, joy, love, family, friendship and so on. This also lets me be a better community member since I have a good idea of the part I am best suited to play for betterment of the world and all who dwell here.

How do you define happiness?

Dear Cosmic Diary 8/12,

Looking into the full moon as it hangs out with Saturn – literally since they woke me up at 1:47am this morning and kept me awake for an hour – I find a new perspective on my own natal chart. My map for the possibilities of this life.

For most of my life, I’ve tried to logically fix or detach from my emotions. I was definitely given this skill at birth and then had to hone it when I was young. Emotional nourishment was never something I really understood nor even thought I deserved. It was for the weak and I was not weak. 

Seeing my peers being in loving friendships made me jealous, angry, and judgmental. I wanted what they had but was certain I could never have it as I didn’t deserve it and I never learned how to do it. But I wouldn’t admit that. So I detached and pretended not to need it.

Such a painful way to live for a tender, developing heart and mind.

Many of my relationships ended up being about power, control, and ownership. Thinking about it now saddens me and I grieve for the many depths of connection and love I missed out on.

So where do I go from here?

I will find compassion for my past self and my experiences by maintaining a connection to something beyond, something greater. As I do this I also become more able to hold a compassionate kind space for others.

I acknowledge my skill of detachment and accept it as a truly brilliant way of protecting myself from terrifying situations. Situations that were threatening or caused me shame for not knowing how to do something.

I see myself now and in the future giving what was withheld from me by others and my own fears. I shift my perspective to see the benefits of both aspects of my experience and I welcome all of me into the now. 

I make a promise to myself to allow my skills of protection to activate in truly threatening situations while encouraging my nourishment abilities to flourish at all other times – even when it’s challenging.

*self hug*

*collective hug*

Love, Vanice

Autonomy, Wisdom, Power & Laws

July 26, 2022

Jupiter woke me this morning. So I got up and went outside at 430am to see what was up. I observed Jupiter in Pisces while knowing Neptune shares that place as well and saw three shooting stars between Aries and Pisces. Under all this, I felt the Moon in Gemini very strongly in my meditation.

What This Means For You

Feelings of confusion or self-doubt can come forth right now. There may even be a tug-of-war in the mind as you feel like you know what you want to be or need on one hand yet find all the reasons it won’t or can’t work on the other. Imposter syndrome, guilt, and shame can rear up too as feelings of inadequacy struggle against your dreams and inherent knowings.

All of these things can cause great mental anguish if you forget yourself even for a moment. And if you do, it’s okay. The feelings will change. Stay focused on the quiet wisdom expanding and calling from the depths of your creative center. Remind yourself of your life experiences because they build up your inner library of knowledge. Even the devastating painful parts of your life are welcome in this collection of information.

Instead of trying to let go or move on from the pain, feel it intensely. Invite it out to play and dream with you. Help your sorrow find a useful focal point to disperse it’s hard gained wisdom in a way that helps you see its value in your life and in your world.

How I’m Feeling It

I see the guilt many humans feel about the state of our world today. The discomfort we have while trying to maneuver all the human-made laws and attempts to control life. The struggles we each feel as we try to grow and thrive within outdated ideas and institutions of power. The shame that gnaws at us with the realization we gave away our own power to others who we believed knew better for us than the inherent voice of natural law.

It’s important we honestly acknowledge who and what we gave our power away to and start to reclaim it. From the medical system, religion, and schools to the ideas of biological families, careers, and gender roles (among many many other human-made laws of what life is supposed to look like), we’ve all given away a part of our greatness and autonomy to something unnatural and imposed. There are some small grains of truth within these various systems but they are not all-knowing or flawless by any measure. We need to sift out the seeds of nourishment and be rid of the hulls of falsehood.

Now is the time for us to look toward our inherent wisdom. The connection we have to the earth and many other heavenly bodies beyond plays out within our cells. We hold all the information and guidance we need within our physical being. Our lives don’t need any hand holding from external ideas of power. Our pain speaks of the places we fight against this truth. Our pain shows us a window into the depths of what we try to ignore. Our pain is key in helping us break out of our blind adherence. Our pain helps us find compassion for ourselves and other living beings as we navigate the perilous path toward greater freedom and unity within and with life itself.