Looking into the full moon as it hangs out with Saturn – literally since they woke me up at 1:47am this morning and kept me awake for an hour – I find a new perspective on my own natal chart. My map for the possibilities of this life.
For most of my life, I’ve tried to logically fix or detach from my emotions. I was definitely given this skill at birth and then had to hone it when I was young. Emotional nourishment was never something I really understood nor even thought I deserved. It was for the weak and I was not weak.
Seeing my peers being in loving friendships made me jealous, angry, and judgmental. I wanted what they had but was certain I could never have it as I didn’t deserve it and I never learned how to do it. But I wouldn’t admit that. So I detached and pretended not to need it.
Such a painful way to live for a tender, developing heart and mind.
Many of my relationships ended up being about power, control, and ownership. Thinking about it now saddens me and I grieve for the many depths of connection and love I missed out on.
So where do I go from here?
I will find compassion for my past self and my experiences by maintaining a connection to something beyond, something greater. As I do this I also become more able to hold a compassionate kind space for others.
I acknowledge my skill of detachment and accept it as a truly brilliant way of protecting myself from terrifying situations. Situations that were threatening or caused me shame for not knowing how to do something.
I see myself now and in the future giving what was withheld from me by others and my own fears. I shift my perspective to see the benefits of both aspects of my experience and I welcome all of me into the now.
I make a promise to myself to allow my skills of protection to activate in truly threatening situations while encouraging my nourishment abilities to flourish at all other times – even when it’s challenging.