Category: Diary

Burning Down the House of Self-Doubt & Fear of Failure

Somewhere along the timeline of my 46 years on earth I went from believing I was capable of anything and that everything I dreamed could be made a reality to doubting my dreams and my abilities. I can’t quite pinpoint a specific moment. It was a gradual shifting. A slow torturous oppression of spirit. Such a sad state of affairs really.

I’m not going to play the blame game as there were many factors involved. People close to me, society, culture, etc… Myself as well. I’m a dreamer, that never stopped. It was just my belief in those dreams and the roads to the making them come true that have eluded me for a while now.

Today I woke up different. Again I can’t pinpoint anything specific but I can see a gradual rebirthing of my spirit to believe in myself. It’s happened over many years of learning, self-reflection, and meditation. I do see the novel writing challenge I finished last month as the spark I needed to get over a big hurdle. Thanks for the inspiration NaNoWriMo!

Writing 50,002 words over the course of 29 days was like a lit match thrown onto a pile of dry kindling I collected over the years next to the most uncomfortable home of self-doubt and fear of failure. And now as I stroll through the rubble and smoking ash I am giddy with new purpose and love the feel of victory.

As I leave that pile of nonsense behind, I make a promise to myself to always believe no matter what. Even when a little voice pipes up within asking me questions like ‘are you sure’ ‘does anybody care’ ‘isnt this a waste of time’ ‘maybe you shouldnt’, ‘will it be good’, I will simply say… I believe in me and my dreams. Period.

Moving into December I will revise my rough draft I wrote in November, and start to reach out to agents. Gonna keep this train on the tracks and keep moving. As a celebratory gift to myself, I am also going to start a new structured challenge for 30 days.

Daily Dance December!! Yep. Let’s do this!

Dear Cosmic Diary 8/12,

Looking into the full moon as it hangs out with Saturn – literally since they woke me up at 1:47am this morning and kept me awake for an hour – I find a new perspective on my own natal chart. My map for the possibilities of this life.

For most of my life, I’ve tried to logically fix or detach from my emotions. I was definitely given this skill at birth and then had to hone it when I was young. Emotional nourishment was never something I really understood nor even thought I deserved. It was for the weak and I was not weak. 

Seeing my peers being in loving friendships made me jealous, angry, and judgmental. I wanted what they had but was certain I could never have it as I didn’t deserve it and I never learned how to do it. But I wouldn’t admit that. So I detached and pretended not to need it.

Such a painful way to live for a tender, developing heart and mind.

Many of my relationships ended up being about power, control, and ownership. Thinking about it now saddens me and I grieve for the many depths of connection and love I missed out on.

So where do I go from here?

I will find compassion for my past self and my experiences by maintaining a connection to something beyond, something greater. As I do this I also become more able to hold a compassionate kind space for others.

I acknowledge my skill of detachment and accept it as a truly brilliant way of protecting myself from terrifying situations. Situations that were threatening or caused me shame for not knowing how to do something.

I see myself now and in the future giving what was withheld from me by others and my own fears. I shift my perspective to see the benefits of both aspects of my experience and I welcome all of me into the now. 

I make a promise to myself to allow my skills of protection to activate in truly threatening situations while encouraging my nourishment abilities to flourish at all other times – even when it’s challenging.

*self hug*

*collective hug*

Love, Vanice