Dear Cosmic Diary 8/12,

Looking into the full moon as it hangs out with Saturn – literally since they woke me up at 1:47am this morning and kept me awake for an hour – I find a new perspective on my own natal chart. My map for the possibilities of this life.

For most of my life, I’ve tried to logically fix or detach from my emotions. I was definitely given this skill at birth and then had to hone it when I was young. Emotional nourishment was never something I really understood nor even thought I deserved. It was for the weak and I was not weak. 

Seeing my peers being in loving friendships made me jealous, angry, and judgmental. I wanted what they had but was certain I could never have it as I didn’t deserve it and I never learned how to do it. But I wouldn’t admit that. So I detached and pretended not to need it.

Such a painful way to live for a tender, developing heart and mind.

Many of my relationships ended up being about power, control, and ownership. Thinking about it now saddens me and I grieve for the many depths of connection and love I missed out on.

So where do I go from here?

I will find compassion for my past self and my experiences by maintaining a connection to something beyond, something greater. As I do this I also become more able to hold a compassionate kind space for others.

I acknowledge my skill of detachment and accept it as a truly brilliant way of protecting myself from terrifying situations. Situations that were threatening or caused me shame for not knowing how to do something.

I see myself now and in the future giving what was withheld from me by others and my own fears. I shift my perspective to see the benefits of both aspects of my experience and I welcome all of me into the now. 

I make a promise to myself to allow my skills of protection to activate in truly threatening situations while encouraging my nourishment abilities to flourish at all other times – even when it’s challenging.

*self hug*

*collective hug*

Love, Vanice

Astrological Who Am I?

Today, my early astrological meditations brought this to me. I thought it would be fun to see if anyone could guess which planet shared this with me and what sign (constellation) that planet is in.

Whomever gets it correct, will be entered into a drawing for something cool. Perhaps an astrological divination treat! Put your answer in the comments on my blog post at vbmedley.com! Here goes…

I drop to all fours

clenching the soft earth.

I grind my teeth

yearning to press forward.

A battle cry chokes 

in my dusty throat.

They watch and wait.

More patient than I.

I breathe and bide my time

knowing this moment of

struggle will pass.

In the meantime I crawl,

carrying my ember

safe above the ground.

Slowly I shift and plan

becoming stronger,

building endurance.

The winds will arrive 

soon enough.

*spoiler alert* the answer is…

Mars in Taurus! Especially at the beginning just after leaving the high of Aries. Nobody got the full answer correct this time but there will be other riddles in the future 🙂🤘🖤

Intimacy, Bonds, Pain, & Pleasure

August 7, 2022

In the evenings right now, Venus, Sun, and Descendent meet up and bring some clarity in the realm of personal relationships, deep bonds, and intimacy. Taken into consideration with outer planetary nodes, we gain insight into hard truths about and great possibilities for our human experience.

What This Means For You

You may be feeling a bit adventurous and looking for ways to broaden your experience of life. As new ideas enter your field of awareness right now, it’s very important to welcome them and take a little time to reflect in an objective way. Perhaps a new direction is just what you need to find more of the enjoyable in your daily living.

Life is full of paradoxes and the other side of pleasure is pain. At the same time your struggles, difficulties, or losses pierce you with agony, your successes, contentments, and wins saturate you with joy. You can and will have both and that’s okay. Allow it all in and truly experience the full spectrum. Pain and pleasure are your lifelong companions so it’s a good idea to befriend both.

How I’m Feeling It

Collectively we try to structure and scrutinize our intimate relationships. We fall into the traps of labels and shoulds. We compare our own needs and desires for intimate partnerships with the imposed external power structure’s ideas of what these very personal bonds look and feel like.

Trying to fit our inherent knowings of who we are in intimate exchanges into those false ideas has distorted our experience of essential life-giving relationships.

Some of us subconsciously believe we deserve pain. Over and over we place ourselves in relationships that belittle and demean us. We give our agency away to a partner who controls, manipulates, and exacerbates our deep seated fears.

Some of us subconsciously believe we need to cause pain. Over and over we seriously hurt the ones we care about to avoid the closeness we want yet fear. We take from others and give very little, holding ourselves away from the experience of true intimacy as a way of trying to avoid our own pain.

Some of us do both.

At the core of it all is fear. Whether we fear being alone, being unloveable, being rejected, or having all of our hidden secrets and vulnerabilities exposed, it all plays out in a way that prevents us from stepping into a truly fulfilling intimate bond that is our natural way of being.

Intimate expressions in a relational bond can be easy and joyful. The complications we experience can be replaced by simple, sweet kindness. Our partnerships can be a source of relaxation and vibrancy. We can experience all of that when we acknowledge our pains and hurts, courageously reveal them to others who are willing to do the same, and step forward together into an original paradigm, a fresh pattern, a co-created reality of kindness, compassion, and acceptance.

We then begin to swim in the ocean of fears, traumas, desires, and yearnings instead of drowning. We immerse ourselves into a fuller experience of life, seeing pain and pleasure as aspects of being alive instead of identities. Together, we grow in recognition of each other and ourselves as we enfold everything into this mysterious adventure of living.