Burning Down the House of Self-Doubt & Fear of Failure

Somewhere along the timeline of my 46 years on earth I went from believing I was capable of anything and that everything I dreamed could be made a reality to doubting my dreams and my abilities. I can’t quite pinpoint a specific moment. It was a gradual shifting. A slow torturous oppression of spirit. Such a sad state of affairs really.

I’m not going to play the blame game as there were many factors involved. People close to me, society, culture, etc… Myself as well. I’m a dreamer, that never stopped. It was just my belief in those dreams and the roads to the making them come true that have eluded me for a while now.

Today I woke up different. Again I can’t pinpoint anything specific but I can see a gradual rebirthing of my spirit to believe in myself. It’s happened over many years of learning, self-reflection, and meditation. I do see the novel writing challenge I finished last month as the spark I needed to get over a big hurdle. Thanks for the inspiration NaNoWriMo!

Writing 50,002 words over the course of 29 days was like a lit match thrown onto a pile of dry kindling I collected over the years next to the most uncomfortable home of self-doubt and fear of failure. And now as I stroll through the rubble and smoking ash I am giddy with new purpose and love the feel of victory.

As I leave that pile of nonsense behind, I make a promise to myself to always believe no matter what. Even when a little voice pipes up within asking me questions like ‘are you sure’ ‘does anybody care’ ‘isnt this a waste of time’ ‘maybe you shouldnt’, ‘will it be good’, I will simply say… I believe in me and my dreams. Period.

Moving into December I will revise my rough draft I wrote in November, and start to reach out to agents. Gonna keep this train on the tracks and keep moving. As a celebratory gift to myself, I am also going to start a new structured challenge for 30 days.

Daily Dance December!! Yep. Let’s do this!

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